Sanctuary!

I have buried myself in distraction for the last couple months, trying to keep my mind off my son's surgery. It worked, for the most part.

That distraction vanished, without a trace, Sunday morning. And everything was right there, waiting. But oddly enough, it wasn't just the impending operation. It was everything from now all the way back to when I was a kid. Every hurt I felt, every wrong, embarrassment, fear, all the loneliness. The numbness I've reveled in most of my life is melting away. Perhaps just feeling is making it worse than it really is. I'm finding it very difficult to repress anything. I don't want to cry, scream, loose my temper or patience. I don't want to feel like a burden. What I do want, and I'm finally not afraid to say it, is some one to listen. I feel, right now, that no one cares enough about me to see that I need help, that I can't take feeling this way. I can't just push it aside and move on. It's too big. I feel like I'm hurting people, I can't do anything right, that I'm not worth seeing or hearing. I haven't had this strong of an urge to hide in many years. And that's what I want to do, run away and hide, alone.