You know the old saying: Idle hands are the devil's playground. In my case, the less I have to occupy my time, the more time I have to think about Gabe's surgery. It's still 8 1/2 months away.
I've found that, not only do I feel a little better but I'm smoking less too. It's a win win. I've recently joined forces with the treasurer of HEA (Hypospadias and Epispadias Association) to plan a fundraiser walk. It's not going to be like the breast cancer walk or anything. I think we have about 11 people participating. I guess it just shows ya how few people know about these conditions. It's such a small community. To narrow it down even more, only 3 of the 11 people actually have one condition or the other.
Anyway. Finding the time to help organize this event has been the best thing I could have done lately. If I didn't have this occupying my time, I'd probably be institutionalized by now. The worry and stress about his surgery is way too overwhelming.
Thanks, HEA. You've really helped me out. Hopefully I can return the favor on May 1.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Mother may I?
As we get older, we find ourselves fighting to become our own people and less like our parents, no matter how wonderful or horrible they were. But, somehow, they manage to leave a lasting mark.
Most women, I believe, hear at some point in their lives, "You're just like your mother." Well, depending on who your mother is, that statement can be hurtful, no matter how true or false. It is definitely something that should never be said to a pregnant woman. Take note.
Some one very dear to me, who's on the "I'm not like my mother" team, confided in me the other night. She was worried and scared and in desperate need of support and understanding. Most of her fears and worries were justified. However, the rest was based on something that's a bit unnerving.
Before I go on, let me say this, she's happily married. Both her and her husband are educated and have good careers. They have beautiful children. And have made a great life for themselves and their family. She's pregnant with her last child.
Without getting into a lot of detail about her life, there is no rational reason for her to be so upset (other than one particular thing that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about here). To put it simply, she's afraid of how her mother and father will react. But why? Why does their opinion matter? Her mother was never the nicest, most supportive person in the world. And God knows, her behavior and personality damaged her relationship with her daughter. So, why would my friend be so upset just in anticipation of her parents' reaction to such wonderful news? Why, after years of abuse, would she even care what they have to say? My only answer is this: After spending years hoping and searching for love and support from the people who should offer it the most, but never do, it's hard to stop. There will always be a need to be accepted by her parents. There will always be a longing for praise and love from her mother and father. Even though she knows that most likely none of it will ever happen, she'll keep searching.
That is, until one day, she takes one small step away and gets a really good look. She'll realize that these people are who they are. Nothing is going to change that. So, as the insults hurl and disapproval sneers, she'll simply say, "Whatever," and move on.
Most women, I believe, hear at some point in their lives, "You're just like your mother." Well, depending on who your mother is, that statement can be hurtful, no matter how true or false. It is definitely something that should never be said to a pregnant woman. Take note.
Some one very dear to me, who's on the "I'm not like my mother" team, confided in me the other night. She was worried and scared and in desperate need of support and understanding. Most of her fears and worries were justified. However, the rest was based on something that's a bit unnerving.
Before I go on, let me say this, she's happily married. Both her and her husband are educated and have good careers. They have beautiful children. And have made a great life for themselves and their family. She's pregnant with her last child.
Without getting into a lot of detail about her life, there is no rational reason for her to be so upset (other than one particular thing that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about here). To put it simply, she's afraid of how her mother and father will react. But why? Why does their opinion matter? Her mother was never the nicest, most supportive person in the world. And God knows, her behavior and personality damaged her relationship with her daughter. So, why would my friend be so upset just in anticipation of her parents' reaction to such wonderful news? Why, after years of abuse, would she even care what they have to say? My only answer is this: After spending years hoping and searching for love and support from the people who should offer it the most, but never do, it's hard to stop. There will always be a need to be accepted by her parents. There will always be a longing for praise and love from her mother and father. Even though she knows that most likely none of it will ever happen, she'll keep searching.
That is, until one day, she takes one small step away and gets a really good look. She'll realize that these people are who they are. Nothing is going to change that. So, as the insults hurl and disapproval sneers, she'll simply say, "Whatever," and move on.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Pay attention
How do you know when your child is in trouble? Not necessarily with bad behavior, like fighting, lying, stealing, etc., but with depression.
I wonder because my son seems angry. He seems a little more withdrawn than usual. He's always been independent, a loner, but this is not normal for him. He doesn't want me to go anywhere without him. He doesn't look forward to school or talk much about his friends any more. He isn't as helpful as he used to be.
Now, he does have a birth defect, epispadias, that affects his private parts. He is incontinent because of it. I know kids have teased him. He's had five surgeries so far. He knows he's different. He does have a brother and a father after all. He doesn't want to talk about it. When I bring it up, he starts to shut down.
I'm not sure how to handle this. I don't know what to say or do to make it better. It's not something that our lives revolve around. It's just a part of life. We deal with things as they come and we're open and honest about it. I love my son. I love all of my children. I try to make sure they know that. I laugh with them, cry with them. I hold them. What else can I do but to let him know that he's loved no matter what? How can I make it better when he doesn't really understand what's happening and why? He's not quite 7 years old and has had more pain in his life than I.
It's been recommended to us that we find a counselor for him when he's closer to puberty to help deal with the psychological and emotional problems his condition may cause. I agree. It's a great idea. But why not now? I thought about calling the school social worker to see if he/she can talk to him from time to time. But, more than likely, that person won't know how to deal with a child with epispadias since it is so rare. But, perhaps we could get a referral for a counselor that can help. I'll have to look into it.
My point to all of this is pay attention. Young children can get confused, angry and depressed just as much as adults. But, if you don't see the signs, and they may be subtle, it all could get out of control. My son has never been one to let me know when he's sick, hurting, sad or angry. So I've had to rely on my instinct and my bond with him. If I didn't know him as well as I do, who knows what I would be missing.
I wonder because my son seems angry. He seems a little more withdrawn than usual. He's always been independent, a loner, but this is not normal for him. He doesn't want me to go anywhere without him. He doesn't look forward to school or talk much about his friends any more. He isn't as helpful as he used to be.
Now, he does have a birth defect, epispadias, that affects his private parts. He is incontinent because of it. I know kids have teased him. He's had five surgeries so far. He knows he's different. He does have a brother and a father after all. He doesn't want to talk about it. When I bring it up, he starts to shut down.
I'm not sure how to handle this. I don't know what to say or do to make it better. It's not something that our lives revolve around. It's just a part of life. We deal with things as they come and we're open and honest about it. I love my son. I love all of my children. I try to make sure they know that. I laugh with them, cry with them. I hold them. What else can I do but to let him know that he's loved no matter what? How can I make it better when he doesn't really understand what's happening and why? He's not quite 7 years old and has had more pain in his life than I.
It's been recommended to us that we find a counselor for him when he's closer to puberty to help deal with the psychological and emotional problems his condition may cause. I agree. It's a great idea. But why not now? I thought about calling the school social worker to see if he/she can talk to him from time to time. But, more than likely, that person won't know how to deal with a child with epispadias since it is so rare. But, perhaps we could get a referral for a counselor that can help. I'll have to look into it.
My point to all of this is pay attention. Young children can get confused, angry and depressed just as much as adults. But, if you don't see the signs, and they may be subtle, it all could get out of control. My son has never been one to let me know when he's sick, hurting, sad or angry. So I've had to rely on my instinct and my bond with him. If I didn't know him as well as I do, who knows what I would be missing.
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