Refreshing!

I've recently had an epiphany. An awakening of sorts. I believe it was brought on by my most recent trip to Kohls. Anyway, I realized that I spend too much time being a mom and not enough as wife. Oh, he's so neglected! Not really, but I feel like we need to get back to basics, as much as we can with 3 kids in the house.

It's easy to place blame on every thing else for my exhaustion and stress. But, I thought about it. How much of that stress and exhaustion was caused by me? Well, the answer is simple... a lot. After all, I need to realize that I matter too and that it's OK to stand up for that. So, I did and do. No more kids tailing me where ever I go. The bathroom would be locked if I could lock it. Sorry, baby, out you go! And, ya know what, my husband is perfectly capable of taking care of the children, something I was a little reluctant to find out.

I got back to basics: Pick your battles carefully, wash your dishes, love your family and NO KIDS IN THE MARITAL BED! I MEAN IT!

The problem is that the smallest bump could derail all my progress. How long is it going to be before I get pulled back in?

What does the future hold?

You look at your child the day he's born and see a miracle. You fall in love with the little person you've only just met, despite what he looks like or how much he's crying or the pain you felt before he was born. You hold him in your arms, kiss his head, and stare in quiet amazement at what you've created. Perfect.

Then you hear, "This isn't normal." Your world screeches to a halt in one quick moment.

That was my experience when Gabe was born. Little did I know that his journey over the last nearly 7 years was going to be so long and difficult. And it's far from over. You'd never know by spending time with him, talking to him, that anything was different. But he knows. I know. Five surgeries done, one lurking around the corner, and God knows how many more.

I've seen my son sedated, medicated, on IVs, with catheters and bandages. I've seen my son scared. In pain. I've seen my son in pain. He knows what surgery means for him but he doesn't know, yet, about the sixth.

How do I tell him that just 10 months after his last surgery that he'll undergo a major one. One with a long hospital stay and medicine that will numb his body and a huge incision on his little belly. How do I tell him that he won't be able to run and play and wrestle and ride his bike for 3 months? How do I tell him that he may never be "normal"?

The ever-present guilt

Yes, it's true. I'm a mom and I feel guilty, not for treating my parents poorly when I was a kid, though. I just feel guilty. Every thing's my fault. Can't do anything right. No, I'm not in the midst of a pity party or anything. It's just the truth.

Nobody bothered to tell me before I become a mom that I would struggle with mass quantities of guilt. I was a stay at home mom for a while and felt guilty for not "contributing." I got a job and felt guilty for not being a full-time mom. I take it easy and pick my battles carefully but feel guilty for not upholding the law (of our house). I crack down on the kids and feel guilty for punishing them. After all, kids have these big, beautiful, innocent eyes that ... well ... I'm a sucker, what can I say. I can't help but feel that every little rash, cold, tantrum, mess, tear, low grade, cavity, cough, etc., is somehow related to something I did. So, imagine my guilt when my son was born with a birth defect. The doctors say there is no known cause and have reassured me that it's nothing I did. But, the guilt lingers, 7 years later.

I know I'm a good mom. My kids are happy, healthy, kind, intelligent, beautiful children. They are always happy to see me and always want me around, even if I had to punish them for breaking a mom law. I know that, despite not having family close by or many friends, I do the best I can for my babies every day. So, why do I feel so guilty so often? Is it something I did that I don't realize I did? Or is it simply just a curse that all mothers must face?

...and then there's the jargon

I look up everything.

I search and search some more until I'm satisfied with the answers I've found.

I've learned over the last almost 7 years that sometimes you just can't find all the answers. And then there's the jargon making it nearly, if not entirely, impossible to understand the answers. Medical terminology is not my friend. I find it overwhelmingly frustrating to be face to face with the information I need and not be able to understand it at all.

Epispadias. Ugh.

Epispadias is a rare birth defect, affecting about 1 in 117, 000 boys. It involves the urinary tract and genitalia. It can cause urinary incontinence. It can affect a person's confidence and emotional and psychological well-being. Sexual health is also an issue. It requires multiple surgeries to repair and takes a toll on the patient and family. That's it in a nut shell.

In December, my son, who will be 7 and 1/2, will have bladder neck reconstruction to correct his incontinence associated with epispadias. It will be his 6th surgery and the most complex. He'll be in the hospital for a week, if all goes well, and recovering for 3 to 5 weeks more. The kicker? He may never be able to use the bathroom like everyone else. Instead, there is a great possibility he will have to catheterize himself for the rest of his life. As a matter of fact, during the reconstruction, his surgeon will create a channel from his bladder to his bellybutton using his appendix. It's called the Mitrofanoff procedure. If the reconstruction is a success, my son will never have to use it. Here's hoping. We'll know in about 10 months. Seems so far off.

In the meantime, I search. The more information, the better, I always say. But, the only information I can find is so complicated. I don't understand most of it, other than it doesn't sound good. I've found support and hope through HEA, Hypospadias Epispadias Association. It's a wonderful group with many understanding members. But, I still feel alone. And, unfortunately, my son is starting to feel isolated too.

Why can't there be a mom-friendly version of all the information doctors publish?

Why not? Really. Why not?

I'm a working mom. I'm busy all the time. My day usually starts around 7am and doesn't end until about 1 am. And who's to say I'm actually done? If one of the kids is sick, well, who knows when it'll end. Using the words mom and exhausted in the same sentence is a little redundant, don't you think?

Anyway, my husband, who I love very much but just doesn't get it sometimes, told me the other day, "You should get yourself a hotel room this weekend." Um, OK? No. He says that I need to get my rest. Yeah, that's true. You see, he knows that if I'm in the house the kids will use their mom-seeking radar to find me, no matter how hard I've tried to hide myself for just a few more winks of sleep. This isn't the first time he's said something like this. And it's not first time I've played it off as some kind of cruel joke.

So here's my question. Why not? I mean, really, why not? What would happen if I did take him up on his offer to get away for a night just to sleep? The possibilities are ENDLESS! Would I feel rested, I mean, if I was actually able to fall asleep without sharing the same building with my kids? Would he feel taken advantage of? Does he even mean what he said? Maybe he only said it because he knows I would never take him up on it. Who knows?!

In the middle of the night...

Let's start this with a question. Have you ever had a nightmare about your kid(s)? Not just any nightmare, like losing your kid(s) at the circus while monkeys wearing top hats are chasing you with rubber ducks. I mean a terrifying, gruesome, vivid nightmare. A nightmare you can't seem to wake up from but when you do you are completely confused and wondering how in hell you could dream something like that! Now, let's be clear, I've had dreams like this before but they were usually about another adult, like my husband or ex-boyfriend. I really wasn't that confused afterward. 

I don't know that much about dreams and where they come from. I can't interpret them. I don't think anyone really can. Check it out for yourself. Look up dreams on the Internet just to see the number of theories that exist. 

I like to believe that each dream is different and can be very personal. Here's what I mean:

1. Happiness, excitement: Could be shown in a dream about seeing your baby's face through your pregnant belly

2. Revenge, anger: Noted by a natural disaster killing off family and/or friends, anyone that has wronged or hurt you

3. Fear: Watching a stranger attack your loved one could reflect this

4. Sorrow, grief, regret: Simply seeing the image of someone you've wronged or miss could be an indicator

5. self-pity, self-loathing, introversion: You, as the dreamer, becoming involved in activities that prove harmful, emotionally or physically, to yourself could be reflected.

These of course, are my own ideas. So, after dreaming of my son last night, I needed to "discuss" it. I can't get into much detail, as they fade over time. I can give you the gist. My family and I were at a store with a few other people. A man and a woman try to rob it but it goes awry. I manage to escape with my cell phone. Everyone else is locked in the store. I'm sitting in a car, hiding my phone and waiting for the opportunity to call for help. It slips. The woman sees. I grab it and run. She runs into the store. I walk to the back of the store. Many people and cops are there. They shoot her several times. My son comes around the corner, surprising the cops, and is shot. He didn't die. I woke up before that could happen. I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night.

I questioned myself as a mother, as a human being. How could I! Why would I dream such a thing and about my own child? I still don't know. But I do think it has everything to do with how much I worry about him and how, sometimes, I feel like there is nothing I can do to help him. Am I crazy or just a normal, stressed out, working mom?